How Do You Cope With Sharing Your Man?
By Jean Gasho
Since I went public with my Boaz’s journey of looking for a second wife, I have had so many questions sent to me by email or inbox from women who are living secretly in polygamy but are not able to come out in public in fear of persecution from Christians.
I find it interesting how black women secretly admire polygamy like it’s their guilty pleasure. They are the ones who watch these reality shows on polygamy. So many comments from the black women to me were like, “Trying to copy Sister-wives are we?” I am like, really I didn’t know I am trying to copy anything, I didn’t even know these Sister Wives shows are something black women love to watch. Indirectly the comments from these black women actually prove that polygamy does intrigue them deep down. One can not fight against mother nature I suppose…
Anyway, I thought I would answer some questions I have been receiving through a blog post, as it may help many women out there facing the same situations but are not bold enough to approach me. I have a lot of silent admirers and readers. Today I will answer this one, which came to me via Twitter Inbox.
Mary-Tamar, I do enjoy reading your articles though I may not agree with everything you write. How do you cope with sharing your man? I have just found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend but I still do not want to lose him, so I have to cope with sharing him.
Human beings hate sharing even from a young age. I watch my little one-year-old boy literally fight his big sisters if they touch his food. He’s only one, but he hates sharing. Its human nature to hate to share, that’s why we have to teach our children the art of sharing.
If you have very little, and someone asks you to share, I can understand why it would be hard to share the little you have. But what if you have plenty, and others ask you to share the abundance you have…
When it comes to polygamy, especially black polygamy, I see it this way…
Imagine a child having a lot of ice-cream on a hot day, and its melting to the floor, and the other children come and asks the child with the ice-cream to share with them. Imagine the child refusing to share because they just hate sharing. Is that even reasonable? When you have too much so that its literally overflowing, is it not better to share with the one without? Will God not bless you if you share?
As for me sharing, I am like that child with a lot of ice cream that’s literally melting, whilst others watch me try to finish it all by myself. I would rather give some to those in need and want. That’s just how I am, and I have always been like that since I was a child.
One of the main reasons I got abused so much by even my own family is because I love sharing so much they found it uncomfortable. I sacrificed so much for them, and in the end they abused me for it.
That said, I have never let my dark past determine my future, or change how God created me.
At my lowest, when the world was laughing at me that I was a miserable single mother of 4 and no man would ever take me, God gave me a husband. A good young husband.
Boaz is such a good man. My husband is a King. A lot of single black women, especially Ghanaians, admire my Boaz, and go as far as to write in his inbox telling him how blessed I am to be his wife. One single mother actually tagged Boaz, and wrote on her wall that one day she wishes to be married to a man as caring as my husband.
One woman wrote to him and said her dying wish is just to have one night with him, if not a full night, just a kiss will do.
Some of his ex-girlfriends still cling on to him, and still come back to him saying they have never met anyone else to replace him.
Sometimes my husband has to stop chatting with these women, because he doesn’t want to lead them on, though he has sympathy and and a heart for them.
I know these women would drop everything just to be his second wife, or third or fourth, because they understand how cold it is out there, that it is better to have a part of him, than go without.
Like I said to one of my readers on Facebook, the Universe testifies that my husband is a KING. What black people do not realize is that the chosen royals of black people do not walk around with crowns on their heads, because the white men destroyed the dynasties which mattered, the ones which threatened their core existence.
But like my 4-year-old daughter, Fadzi tells her white friends in school, ” I am a Princess.”
“No you are not, you have no crown.” They say to her.
“Having no crown doesn’t change anything. I am still a Queen with no crown.” She tells them.
I know who my husband is, that’s why they all can’t help but bow before him. Women are ready to be his servants, concubines, you name it.
I, on the other hand, have this King all to myself. I am the one holding the ice-cream cone, as others watch and drool, asking for just a little bit. I have to share, I must. But I have to have the best part of the ice-cream, lol.
A man can only have one Queen. But it can not stop him from loving other women too. Its just how God designed it.
All patriarchs had their Queens, even though they had other wives.
King David had Bathsheba
King Solomon had the Shulamite Black Beauty, though he ended up marrying the Egyptian Dancer.
King Ahasuerus had Queen Esther
Boaz had Ruth
Abraham had Sarah
The list of polygamous Patriarchs goes on, they all had just one woman who was their Queen. Yet some of these men and Kings still had other amazing wives who played important roles in history. But many are called, but a few a chosen.
I always say it’s very important for a woman to know who she is in the spiritual realm, some people are born to serve, and some are born to be served. My four-year-old daughter Fadzi understands this principle very well.
People always say in polygamy men always have favourite wives. Yes, it’s somewhat true, it’s impossible for a man to love all women equally. In reality, its not that they have favorite wives really, nature tells them that there can only be one Queen.
The God of Israel demonstrates this analogy perfectly throughout scripture. His favourite is Israel…his Queen. But it doesn’t stop him from having mercy and pity on the other nations, whom he still loves.
Jealously is not always a negative emotion, God has often used jealousy to provoke Israel when He is being taken for granted. Sadly its human nature to abuse love and women are the worst at abusing love. Women tend to take their men for granted, and even abuse them if they think no one else wants him. When they see some other women taking an interest in their husbands, they start to feel threatened and show some respect to their husbands.
God himself is a jealous God. Jealousy is an emotion that should be used positively. Women in polygamy sadly use this emotion negatively.
I respect my husband a lot more because I know how blessed I am and how much my Ghanaian sisters long for him.
The chosen women of the bible never had anything to fear, some of them even gladly gave their handmaids to their husbands, because they understood who they are, and they gladly shared the ice cream spilling on the floor, so to speak.
Don’t we teach our little ones that sharing is caring? Lol. Or this principle can not apply to women?
For me personally, this is how I cope with sharing. I understand who I am. I understand who my King is. I understand who the others are, but most importantly I understand my God. I have nothing at all to fear.
I hope this helps a lot of women out there who share their men.
Let me make it clear that polygamy is not practical for all men, a lot of black men have nothing to give anyway, so their women are not able to share the little they get from these men. Polygamy is for men who are Kings and Rulers, men who are anointed and able to give abundance to their women. If a man can not even love one woman, he has no business taking other wives.
The genesis of Revelation by
Mary-Tamar was Jean
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